Vol 1. About identity problems I am going through | 有关我正在经历的身份危机

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Jun 2, 2022

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The perplexity I felt while studying aboard | 留学生活中感受到的迷茫

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Journal-Epoché

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Jan 1, 2023 07:20 AM

Hello, my friend,

朋友们好，

It is becoming hotter these days. What is the weather like in your city?

6月了，天气逐渐炎热了起来，不知道大家所在的城市气候如何？

This week I would like to talk about an impressive reading I read in a course I took, which is Maybe you only look white written by Becca Gercken-Hawkins.

这一周我印象最深的阅读，是在大学课程里面读到的一篇有关族裔身份认同（ethnic identity)的散文Maybe you only look white，作者是 Becca Gercken-Hawkins。

(Please feel free to read an article I wrote based on the reading

How the power structure is hindering diversity, human rights, and democracy, and how to confront it ）

(欢迎阅读我在此散文基础上写的文章

How the power structure is hindering diversity, human rights, and democracy, and how to confront it ）

The author illustrates the problem of ethnic authority she encountered as a multicultural literature specialist at the University of Minnesota, a state-run university at Morris. She had to make an effort to show others her ethnicity as Cherokee and Irish American because of her white-like appearance and is currently experiencing common identity conflicts on campus, such as doubts from students about her academic authority as a specialty. These uncomfortable events raised her conflicted consciousness that, while benefiting from the university’s hiring politics, she found it problematic to reinforce the cultural connection between appearance and specialty.

作者描述了她在公立大学明尼苏达大学莫里斯分校担任多元文化文学专家时遇到的族裔身份认同问题。，虽然她是切罗基和爱尔兰裔美国人的混血，但是由于她类似白人的外表，她的少数族裔的血统经常被质疑。这导致她在大学执教时会遇到学生对她专业的学术权威性的怀疑，而这引发了她的疑惑和矛盾的心理：尽管她从大学的“优先采用专业与族裔匹配的教员”的招聘政策中受益，但是这种绑定标签和专业领域的政策真的不是对学术发展的阻碍吗？

After reading the essay, I had some thoughts on my situation of being an international student in Japan. I hate being labeled or categorized by others without having deep conversations with me. However, unavoidably, I felt inspected by others with curiousness every time as a foreigner. A typical example is that most Japanese would be surprised about my inability to eat spicy food because Sichuan cuisine is an essential part of Chinese cuisine in their image. Every time I will explain that, first of all, cuisine differences a lot among regions in China. For instance, Cantonese cuisine is light in taste. However, living in Guangdong for 18 years doesn’t mean that I only eat Cantonese cuisine because most of the time, I ate my mother’s hand-cooked meal, which was very different from typical Cantonese cuisine. In conclusion, everyone has their situation.

读到这篇文章，虽然不是有关族裔身份认同的讨论，但是我想谈谈我在日本作为外国留学生感受到的迷茫。我是一个十分抵触被贴标签的人，不希望他人通过各种各样的标签和分类来认识我，而是通过与我的直接对话来认识我这个个体。但是不可避免的，我会在与日本人的相处中感受到“外国人审视”。一个最普通的例子是，日本人大多数人会惊讶于我不能吃辣——川菜占据了大部分他们对中华料理的认知。这个时候我都会解释道，首先中国料理的地区差异非常明显：比如粤菜一般很清淡。但是虽然说我在广东生活了18年，也不能说我只吃粤菜，因为我很少在外面吃饭，而我在家里吃的家常菜大多脱离了传统粤菜的范畴；所以结论还是得看个人。

The thing is, I don’t feel upset about such inspections. Sometimes I even feel grateful for my foreigner identity because it provided many topics during conversations to avoid embarrassment. Nonetheless, I realized that the expectation influenced my decision in many cases, which gradually became my fetters. For example, I subconsciously chose to design an apartment that has a related topic to my foreigner identity. However, I realized that this is not the architecture I wanted to create during the making process. I project others’ expectations on my pursing.

需要说明的是我其实并不反感这种审视与交谈，甚至有时会因此感激我的身份，因为它在日常能提供相当多的话题来避免尬聊。但是我逐渐意识到，这种“被期待的异文化性”会反过来影响我的决策——而这不知不觉地成为了我的桎梏。譬如，我曾经潜意识里想要回应留学生身份的唯一性来制作相关的作品。但是在制作过程我逐渐意识到，这根本不是我想要设计的建筑，我只是把“他人期待中的我的理念”当成了我自身的追求。

These things raised my confusion about self-identification. I have no choice but to face the subtle but critical influences of expectations as the only international student in my department. Moreover, my rebelling against labeling stimulates over-reactions when facing stereotyping, negatively affecting my daily life and personal relationships.

这引起了我对身份认同的极大疑虑，我不得不直面这种审视给我带来的潜移默化的影响。尤其是我最近会对标签化的话语过度反应——这极大影响了我的日常生活和人际关系。

Therefore, I wonder if I will be able to remove the constraints from labels and expectations and spend time at university as a normal student rather than an international student? Do students at colleges where international students are ubiquitous have similar confusion with me?

于是我在想，什么时候我才能不用刻意地去反标签，脱离标签的影响，作为一名学生而不是留学生来度过余下的大学生活？如果东大像早大或者很多美国的大学一样，留学生十分常见的话，大家还会有类似的疑虑吗？

Life Updating

Before the sketching course, I have never seen an actual model. I felt highly inspired when facing a life with a beautiful body. During the 3-hour session, I intentionally focused on blurring some outline edges to provide sketching deepness. Suddenly I realized that I could concentrate more when drawing with physical materials rather than with digital devices, which may be become the reason for my drawing bottleneck.

在课上第一次见到了真正的人体模特，面对如此真实的人体美受到了极大的震撼。在约3个小时的绘画过程中，我有意识地根据实际观察到的景象模糊了一些边缘。我突然意识到，用物理媒介画画时候的我比用屏幕或者手绘板画更能集中注意力，或许这就是至今以来我无法练习绘画的真正原因。

Adding the animating clothes to the background of “Only for ‘me.’” During the feedback session, I asked my professor about how to make an animation that only targets a minor group of people. He answered that if you do not need to make most people empathize with your work, then the best way is putting all your zeal into the making process, then it will convey the message to viewers naturally. His word hit me like a stone. While worrying about others’ low possibility of understanding my work, I almost forget that first, I have to create a perfect piece that can stir my heart of myself.

本周给上周的背景画了时装的动画。在课上的提问环节，我问一位教授，如何做到只让一小部分观众产生共鸣？他回答道，如果你的对象不是大部分人，那最好的办法就是将你的全部热情和想法都庆祝到你的作品里，然后从作品中人们自然而然地就会感受到你的意图。教授的话给了我当头一棒。曾几何时我已经忘记了那么重要的事：创作作品中最先打动的观众永远是你自己。

This is a short newsletter for this week! Please feel free to leave some comments on the post or send an email to me.

I hope you have a good week!

Sunshine

这就是本周短短的newsletter啦。如果您有什么感想或者疑问，欢迎留言或者发邮件给我！

祝好，

Sunshine

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收听我的播客：「非日常spark」是一档由东京留学的Sunshine主理，与有趣的个体交流，捕捉并分享对话中迸发的灵感的播客。