Vol 3. About my years with creative bottleneck | 有关我”堵了“多年的创作瓶颈

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Sep 20, 2022

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Self-inquiry towards art creating process. ｜对创作的思考与认知的变迁

The beginning of self-inquiry | 自我探寻的开端

I forgot the obvious turning point of my life. The biggest fact must be the diagnosis of my generalized anxiety disorder (GAD); however, there is also a strong connection with the exponential development of AI drawing in 2022.

如果问起为何是在今年才意识到，我目前也无法详尽的罗列和阐释所有的原因。肯定很大部分是在确诊广泛性焦虑之后认清的；但是不可否认，与2022年忽然指数兴起的AI作画也有紧密的联系。

Midjourney, Stable Diffusion, Novel ai ....... It is surprising that these applications, which are familiar to everyone now, were little known six months ago. Even though I am not a professional artist and have no particular obsession with drawing, that “everyone can create without picking up a paintbrush” still stirred up waves of doubt and confusion in my mind.

Midjourney，Stable Diffusion，novel ai…….这些大家现在已经耳熟能详的应用，居然在半年前还鲜为人知。哪怕我并不是一位职业画师，也对绘画没有特别大的执着，“所有人都可以不必拿起画笔就能创作”这件事情还是在我心中激起了疑惑和不解的波澜。

With few professional knowledge, I do not want to discuss issues of copyright or whether we can categorize the use of prompts as drawing, etc. I just keep asking myself, how to get back to my canvas; how to protect myself from all the eternal distractions; how to feel the enthusiasm of creating again?

没有专业知识的我不想在此讨论promt，算法的著作权归属；也不想讨论不用画笔，而是用单词（promt）是否能归类与绘画创作；更不想讨论不同的作画方式所诞生出来的作品的市场价值。我只想不断的问自己的内心，如何拾回画笔；如何，不被工具，不被技术发展，不被外界竞争所影响；如何再次感受到创作的热情？

Re-emphasize the current intuition | 此刻，回归直觉

During the boom of AI drawing, the episode Byzaichang - S2E6 Trash by Zhongqing made me think about what creation means. In the history of TV commercials over the past 50 years, behind those commercial musics, which were called as “trash”, people were shining with identical souls. I began to trust the possibility of human beings, as well as our creativity, which will glow regardless how technology and tools develop.

在AI作画软件的热潮中，重轻老师发布的不在场-S2E6 垃圾让我认真开始思考何为创作。50年来电视广告的发展史中，那些被称作是“垃圾”的商业音乐背后，也有着普通人的挣扎，有生活，有灵魂所在。我重新开始坚定的相信人类，相信我们摒弃掉所有工具，技术与包装之下也能发热发光的，赤裸裸的创造性。

In August 2022, I faced the canvas and tried to create something, again. During the process, I attempted to get rid of the analysis and irrelevant thoughts, focused on capturing sensory experience and the flow of consciousness. I even closed my eyes and asked my right hand where to go next? What kind of line do you want to draw? Here and now, completely surrendering to my intuition. The picture below is what came from this attempt.

2022年8月，我拿起画笔，重新尝试创作。作画过程中，我努力摆脱对画面的分析和所有无关的想法，捕捉自己的感官体验和意识的流动；甚至闭上眼睛，聆听我的右手：它接下来想落笔与哪个位置？它想要画出怎样的线条？此时此地，完全臣服于自己的直觉。在这一次尝试中诞生的就是下图。

Connecting with others | 与相似灵魂的连接

During the stay in Morocco, I met Laura, a girl from Germany. We have almost opposite personalities (I’s extrovert, she’s introvert), different cultural backgrounds, family environments and life experiences. However, during our in-depth conversation, we discovered we have similar anxiety disorder and “creative bottlenecks”. I couldn’t paint for years, and she could not write since young; our brains were out of control, filled with endless thinking and mind; we both felt an existential crisis over our inability to create.

在那之后发生了一段小插曲，那就是在摩洛哥旅游的一个月中，我认识了Lara，一位来自德国的女孩。我们有几乎相反的性格（我偏外向，她偏内向），完全不同的文化背景，家庭环境和人生经验。但是在深入交流中，我们发现我们有极其类似的焦虑症状和“创作瓶颈”。我多年来无法绘画，她多年来无法写作；我们都无法控制大脑从不消停的意识和思考；我们都为无法创作自己曾经最喜欢的事物而感收到存在危机。

In the midday backyard, under the grape trellis, bits of sunlight streamed in and rippled across the table. We held each other’s hands and expressed our gratitude: for silent listening, for speaking our truths, for meeting each other in the wide world.

在正午的后院，葡萄棚下，点点阳光流淌进来，在桌上波动。我们促膝相谈，紧握对方的手，表达了互相的感激：感谢你我的倾听，感谢你我的真情诉说，感谢这个曾认为无比孤单的世界让我们相遇于此。

Although I still can’t face the canvas with a peaceful mind, I no longer feel lonely and helpless.

尽管我仍无法好好面对画布，但是我不再感到孤独与无助了。

Deeper self-awareness | 深层次的自我觉知

After being introduced to yoga, my experience and feelings towards creation have now changed a lot since six months ago.

在接触瑜伽之后，我现在对创作的体会，自半年前改变了许多。

I learnt a lot from Aparigraha, one of the five yama (virtues) of yoga philosophy; it’s not only advising us to detach from material but also all things other than the true beings.

瑜伽哲学的五个yama（美德）中，有一项是Aparigraha（不拥有，放手）；它的哲理不仅是劝我们放下物质的执着，更是舍弃一切除了最本真的内心以外之物。

Creating without the expectation of fruits | 不期望结果地创造

The first insight that Aparigraha gave me was that instead of thinking about how to regain my passion, almost forcing myself to paint again, I should detach from expectation of results and the past, then surrender to my purest thoughts and feelings in the present moment.

Aparigraha给我的第一个感悟是，与其思考如何重新拾回热情，近乎逼迫自己重新画画，不如放下执着，放下对结果的期望，忘记过去，臣服于当下最真实的想法和情感。

Specifically, I deeply realized that emphasizing the experience of “being able to create” constrains and keeps putting pressure on myself.

具体来说，我深切体会到，想要体验“能真正的创作”这种对行为的价值赋予，实际上束缚了我的行为，让我的大脑永远无法消停的给自己施加压力。

In the film “Soul”, Joe Gardner, after chasing and pursuing his dream of artistic achievement, found that the experience after achieving his goal wasn’t better than his daily dedication to piano. The most precious moments were the day-to-day performance that people neglected, like the sunlight falling through the leaves on the boughs of a tree and catching the eye and sparking life. The noblest of artistic creations are free from expectations.

【心灵奇旅】中，追逐与执着梦想中的艺术成就得以实现后的主人公，却发现“获得后”的体验不过如此；那些一直以来忽视的，日复一日的演奏过程，如同阳光穿越树桠上掉落的叶子映入眼帘并激起生命火花一般，才是最值得珍视和呵护的。摒弃对演奏结果的期待和成就，每一天的练习都是最高贵的艺术创造。

During the practice of meditation, I also realized that the brain brings the same obstacles to creativity and focusing. When facing with internal agitation and doubts, the brain chooses to either fight - forcing the behavior with willpower, which is effective but energy consuming - or avoid - directing the body to do something unrelated to avoid the problem itself.

在正念的练习中，我也意识到大脑为创作和正念带来相同的阻碍。面对内心的焦躁和疑虑，大脑会选择对抗—用意志力强迫纠正行为，有效但是极为耗能；或者逃避—指导身体去做完全无关的事情来回避问题本身。

I realized that my overwhelming willpower was consuming energy that could have provided great inspiration for creativity. When the heaviness of anxiety itself and creativity means outweighed the creative process itself, obstacles revealed with the form of “creative bottleneck”. Meditation with non-judgmental observation of my mind movement informed me.

我认识到，自己过于强大的意志力消耗了本来可以为创作提供灵感极大的能量，焦虑与创作的意义的重量超过了创作过程本身，演变成所谓的“创作瓶颈”。而这些认知，都是在正念时，不带评判的观察自己的大脑思维活动中察觉到的。

Letting go of the past, creating for current being | 放手过去，为当下创造

Aparigraha also means letting go of the things that have passed, such as wonderful memories and times of devotion.

Aparigraha也意味着放下。这包括了美好的回忆和投入的时光等一切已经过去的事情。

However, accepting this is painful.

接受这一点十分艰难。

Since I was a child, artistic expression was all of my life: from acrylic painting and craftwork in elementary school, to graphic design and animation in high school, and my major choice in architecture in college. However, in recent years, the creative bottleneck has not only aroused the existential crisis but also made me indulge in and regret the good old days-how can I recreate the scenes at my young age? How can I reattain the enthusiasm?

从小我就认为自己热爱艺术表达：小学的丙烯画和手工艺术，到中学的平面，装帧设计和影像设计，由此导向大学选了建筑专业仿佛也是极其自然。但是近几年来陷入创作瓶颈后，青年时代不顾一切的热情奉献和现在的冷淡的落差，不仅动摇了我的存在危机，更让我时常沉溺于，后悔于过去的美好时光；如何才能再现中学的场景？如何才能重拾当年的热情？

The regret of sunk costs is also the source of pain. If I quit creating now, then many years of dedicated practice, all the affection, energy and time I spent in architecture will go down the drain. These tremendous investments became a heavy burden, pushing me moving forward.

同时，对沉没成本的惋惜也是痛苦的来源之一。如果我现在停下创造，那我多年来的刻苦练习，为了考学到东大建筑所耗费的亲情，精力和时间，都会付之东流。这些巨大投入如同巨石一般压在我的身上，逼迫着我不断前行。

But what do I want to do now?

可是，现在的我，到底想要做什么？

After listening to the Personality test and career choice: what do you mean by “more suitable” for me?, I realized that what we think of specialization depended on experiences, family and social environment that lead us to make different choices at life turning points. We ourselves have infinite possibilities. Instead of looking for something I am skillful at, it is more meaningful to invest myself into feeling specific events: What is the most important thing for me?

在听完翻电问答的【人格测试与志业选择：什么叫我“更适合”从事的工作？】一期中，我认识到，我们所认为的”擅长“和”喜欢“的事物，只是从幼时以来家庭社会环境，接触到的内容引导我们在不同节点做出不同选择；我们本身拥有无限的可能性。与其从我认为“擅长”的领域寻找方向，更重要的投入自身到对具体事物的体验和感觉中：对我来说，什么才是最重要的事业？

This inquiry awakened and connected me to my deeper memory. From elementary school to high school, I never had felt that desire to create just because I am skillful at artistic expression”. I even suffered from overdose self-judgement, and at one point I hated my work. But what kept me practicing was the love and passion for the most important thing at the moment, encouraging me to finish my work.

这一个提问唤醒并连接了我更深的记忆。是啊，从小学到高中，我从来没有怀有“因为我擅长艺术表达，所以我想创作”的心情。我甚至向来很自卑，曾一度厌恶自己的作品并非常粗暴的对待它们。但是让我坚持不断练习的动力，是我对某一个角色的热爱，是我当下认为最重要的事情，是将脑海中的美丽画面展现在眼前……

But what about me now? Rather than indulging in beautiful memories of the past but not focusing on the experience of the present, I won’t neglect my desire to cook, write, and photograph anymore. Letting go of judgmenting my behavior and tear down the labels putted on myself (This is also the answer towards my perplexity in

Vol 1. About identity problems I am going through | 有关我正在经历的身份危机 listen to my inner guidance, and create what you want in the current moment.

而现在的我呢？紧紧捧着过去的幸福回忆却不注重当下的体验于感觉。我现在渴望料理，渴望写作，渴望摄影，是跟当年一样，被我在接触到当下的资源和社会环境不可避免的影响；但是这又如何呢？放下对自身行为的评判，撕下对自己贴上的标签（这也是对我在

Vol 1. About identity problems I am going through | 有关我正在经历的身份危机中感受到的迷茫的解答），听从自己内心的指引，去创造自己认为最重要的事情吧。

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