Vol 0. The start of Epoché | 启程 | Sunshine’s Unfolding Journey

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May 24, 2022

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Introduction to the author and the publication | 作者与栏目简介

The reason to start writing the newsletter | 关于我为什么写作，以及为什么是 newsletter

As the approach to expressive writing | 作为一种与表达性写作的接口

After listening to the podcast No big deal, I realized my mental illness of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). The worst part of my illness is that I seek up-to-date information and knowledge every second, but afraid of sharing and commenting because of the fear of being judged. The consequence is that unorganized pieces of information and un-do tasks fulfill my brain, dampening my enthusiasm and motivation for content creation.

When I tried to find the source of GAD, symptoms appeared when I entered high school when I also could not feel the happiness and enthusiasm in creating. I want to share more details of my GAD symptoms and methods I tried to self-care in the future. Still, I want to tell you that I decided to live a slow life, learning the way of resting and expressive writing rather than being dominated by endless self-criticism and meta-thinkings. However, resting and expressive writing seems easy but difficult for me. Endless university tasks and reports filled my life, and I could not stop thinking and taking a rest with undone tasks. Besides, I have never shared my true feelings with people other than my parents, let alone expressed myself on social media, leading to my inability to honestly record my perception.

Therefore, I have tried several solutions to these problems. I only took ten courses in the most hesitant semester and took up Zen training at Shuzen Temple. I wish to find out the most suitable lifestyle for me. For the problem of inability in expressive writing, I attempt to write the newsletter. Although at Epoché, I cannot write entirely for myself yet, I hope it will become the turning point for me to show my real self.

我是在听完【问题不大】的一期播客【当焦虑成为背景音】之后意识到自己患有广泛性焦虑症的；并且最糟糕的是，我每时每刻都想输入新的信息，但是却畏惧于分享，害怕被他人评判，一直没法静静地专注于整理脑内的情绪与知识。与其伴随的结果是，杂乱无章但是庞大的断片信息和未完成的任务（是的，我连任务清单都懒得记录下来）充斥和消耗着我的大脑，导致真正要行动的时候我却缺乏热情和动力了。是的，如果顺着记忆的藤蔓不断回溯，我大概是高中的时候就在忽然变得繁重的课业和对自己高要求的压力下患上广泛焦虑症的。自那时起，我就逐渐无法感受到创作的热情与快乐了。

关于我的精神问题和我对自我疗愈探索和试错，未来我想慢慢分享。现在在这里想要说明的就是，作为缓解焦虑症的手段，我选择慢下脚步，学习如何休息和表达性写作（而不是在脑内不停的自我批判和进行meta 思考）。这两者看似简单，但是实行起来却意外的分外艰难：学业和并列进行的项目使我的课题永无尽头，而在主业未完成的情况下我无法办到心安理得的在一段时间停止思考；从来不对除了至亲以外的人透露真心，更别说在社交媒体分享情绪的我，更是无法未经粉饰地诚实记录下我最表层和直观的感受。对此，这几个月来我在不断探索解决方案。

关于无法休息的问题，我抱着留级的决心，在课业最繁重的大三只选了 10 节课，并且在 4 月中旬前往京都在寺院里面进行了时长 4 天的禅修训练，希望在这段时间我能够探寻最适合自己的生活方式与节奏。而关于无法表达性写作的问题，我的尝试就是 newsletter。卢梭在《瓦尔登湖》里说，“但是，我对于每一个作家，都不仅仅要求他写他听来的别人的生活，还要求他迟早能简单而诚恳地写出自己的生活，写得好像是他从远方寄给亲人似的。”虽然在悬搁里我无法做到表达性写作定义的那种完全为自己写，不经修改和审视的记录，但是我希望它能成为一个契机，让我不再畏惧被展现在他人面前。

Newsletter-the relationship-builder | Newsletter-不用哗众取宠而来与读者建立联系的媒介

I chose to write the newsletter rather than start a blog because I could build relationships with a small group of people without thinking about attracting titles and photos. The only thing I want to do is record my thoughts, other than sharing experiences or raising opinions (although it sounds contradicted.)

The word "Epoché" comes from phenomenology, meaning suspension of judgments and assumptions. I borrow this word with respect and combine Zen's philosophy to remind myself not to hurry up to analyze or make judgments on everything in daily life. Don't try to clarify all the intricate things in this unstable world; focus on my feelings and perceptive experience in the present moment, and retain the leading of my physicality.

Newsletter 有别于 Blog 之类的特性，于我而言最重要的点是：不用为了流量而通过标题和配图等来吸引读者的目光，能够与少数读者建立紧密的关系。因为我目前只想诚实地记录自己的生活，而非分享经验或者表达观点（虽然听起来很矛盾），所以不用费心思在传播或者他者眼光这件事情上能让我更容易坚持下来。

最终推动我迈出写 newsletter 的脚步的，是来自【生活奇旅】的炜晨老师的文章“写了 20 期 Newsletter，我有这些想和你分享”。我特别喜欢这篇文章一上来并不是教你如何写作，需要用什么平台等等，而是告诉你“为自己而写“并”写掉自己的 ego“——这也是我这么多年来最想听到的话；它一下就打消了我最后一丝犹豫和畏惧。

“Epoché”这个名字来源于现象学，专业定义是“搁置对不明事物的判断”；我冒昧地借用这个词，并结合禅的思想，时刻提醒自己不要急于对事物进行分析和定论，不要尝试在这个不定和复杂的世界搞清楚所有事情；多着重自己的直观体验和当下的情绪，重新主导自己的身体性。

Thank you for your reading and see you next week!

Sunshine

本周就先写这么多啦，祝好!

Sunshine

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收听我的播客：「非日常spark」是一档由东京留学的Sunshine主理，与有趣的个体交流，捕捉并分享对话中迸发的灵感的播客。