Vol 6. A Confession of my Poor Mindset | 有关我的穷人思维的自白

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Oct 23, 2022

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Realized connection between eating disorder and poor mindset. Recognized the power of peacefulness and reconciled with my mother. | 讲述我发现饮食失调和穷人思维之间的关联，并与母亲和解的故事。

Manifestation of My Poor Mindset | 穷人思维在我身上的表征

I know I'm a penny-pincher, but when all my friends want to go to a fancy restaurant and split the bill, I get scared. I'm afraid of disappointing them, so I go along with it. But, deep down, I'm really upset and end up blaming myself. That's why I started to stay away from dinners and other social activities and just stay in my own world.

估计大家都能想象到，集体活动，譬如大家都想去一家豪华餐厅并平摊费用时，非常抠门的人经常会扫大家的兴。我深知自己的抠门程度，但是很多时候，更害怕让朋友们失望与难堪。因此，我经常表面上笑容满面地答应，实际上内心在滴血，回到家后痛苦的自责，辗转反侧。结果，不知何时，我开始尽量避免外出聚餐等场景，封闭在自己的世界里。

When I'm shopping, I don't usually have the courage to haggle. So, when I meet a smooth-talking salesperson, I just give in and go home feeling bad. I want everyone to be happy, but my thriftiness makes me feel ashamed.

同时，购物时我通常不好意思讲价。结果，碰上巧舌如簧的销售员，我就只能乖乖束手就擒，回家窝在被窝里面流泪。没错，我想让所有人开心，但是我的抠门性格导致谴责和负罪感都指向了自身。

Connection with Eating Disorder | 与进食障碍的联系

Eating disorders are often associated with excessive dieting and body image issues, leading to behaviors such as anorexia, compensatory behaviors, and self-criticism. However, my experience with eating disorders was quite different.

提到进食障碍，可能大家最先浮现在脑海里的是为了身材和体型而过度节食，导致的厌食，代偿和自我批判的一系列行为。但是，我的进食障碍的缘由颇为不同。

I never thought I had an eating disorder, since I wasn't on social media or worried about my body. But I realized I had to find out what was causing my fear when my body had trouble digesting food and I was anxious when I ate.

不玩社交媒体，没有身材焦虑的我，直到最近都认为自己不可能有进食障碍。但是，身体出现的对摄入食物的不良消化，和因进食而波动的焦虑症状，让我不得不正视自己的问题，深度自我挖掘内心恐惧的核心所在。

After observing my eating patterns, I noticed that I was never full after cooking my own meals for three meals a day, and that hunger and the resulting hormonal imbalances were the cause of my mood swings. On the other hand, when I ate out, I would often overeat and end up clutching my stomach in pain.

在观察自己的饮食模式后，我发现，一日三餐都自己烹饪的料理经常无法饱腹，而饥饿和给我身体带来的一系列内分泌失调是我情绪波动的原因；反之，外食总是会选择自助餐的我，大多会暴食而最后捂着肚子嗷嗷直叫。

Previously, I could not find the cause of these two behaviors, but now I realize that they both stem from my unhealthy "poor mindset".

以前，我无法在这两个表征中找到因果联系，但是现在我意识到，它们都归根于我不健康的“穷人思维”。

As a student living alone in Tokyo, my most pressing life issue was to save money. Having grown up with frugal parents, I had to carefully budget my daily food expenses after subtracting my scholarship, rent, and utilities. To do this, I even studied nutrition, calculating the most balanced PFC ratio from the daily calorie intake, and choosing the most cost-effective ingredients from the market to plan my meals.

身为在东京独居的学生，最切实而迫切的生活课题就是省钱吧。从小受经历了贫苦耕地生活的父母的节俭教育的我，在奖学金减去房租水电费后所剩无几的数量中，精打细算了每天食费开销。为此我甚至研究营养学，从每日摄入卡路里量倒推PFC最均衡的配比，并消费菜市场能获得的性价比最高的食材，来规划一日三餐的菜谱。

My eyes were foggy from all the numbers and science, so I no longer had a strong, emotional connection to food and me. I was never content after I ate, and my brain kept telling me to save money by not eating more. When I had to eat out, I'd always pick the cheapest buffet and stuff my body with food I wouldn't normally get, even if my body was telling me no.

但是，被数字和科学分析蒙蔽了双眼的我，失去了与食物和身体最直观，感性的联系。哪怕完食后我根本没有饱腹感，大脑都会劝说自己：按照计算你应该已经吃够了，省省吧。相反的，如果不得不在餐厅消费，我都会选择性价比最高的自助餐厅，在有限的时间内往身体塞入平时舍不得购买的食材，哪怕身体开始报警，大脑都会开心的觉得自己赚到了。

It was only during my trip to Morocco that I truly realized my disconnection with food. With its abundance of resources, Morocco was full of fruits and vegetables that I would never buy in Tokyo. The most tempting of all were the pomegranate trees in the gardens, which I could just pick and eat. For a month, I would eat pomegranates with the thought of "how much would this cost in Tokyo?" in my head. Looking back, I don't think pomegranates were that tasty, but I forced myself to accept expensive food on a price scale.

我是在时隔三年的海外旅游时，真正体会到自己与食物的失联的。物产丰富的摩洛哥，遍地都是平时在东京垂涎三尺也舍不得购买的水果和蔬菜。最诱人的莫过于庄园里的遍布石榴树，随便摘下来就可以吃。一个月期间，我基本上每天都抱着“这个要在东京自己买的话得多大开销啊”的心情，每天凿开一个甚至还没成熟的酸不溜秋的石榴。现在回想起来，我一点也不觉得石榴有多好吃，但是只是为了“吃回本”，我都强迫自己接受在价格天平上昂贵的食物。

Reconciliation with Mother | 与母亲的和解

The undeniable fact is that my poor mindset was greatly influenced by my mother.I remember my teenage years and how my bad thinking influenced lots of moments. People might have seen me as being cheap, but I thought of it as being thrifty. This didn't matter much in high school, but when I moved to Tokyo and lived alone, the bad thinking mentioned before eventually caused my eating disorders.

不可否认的事实是，我的穷人思维受母亲的巨大影响。回想起来，穷人思维渗透到我的青少年时期的表现，多到无法穷举。可能在别人看来斤斤计较的行为，我都会内化美化成省吃俭用。这在高中时代还没有什么影响，但是留学到东京独居后，穷人思维如上述最终导致了饮食障碍等问题。

Realizing that I was completely unable to control this obsessive thinking, I was caught in a cycle of pain and self-blame. Every time my mother kindly told me not to be too hard on myself on our phone calls, I angrily blamed my mother, saying it was all because of her education. My mother's apology could not cure my obsessive thinking, but I had nowhere else to vent my emotions.

意识到根本无法控制这种近似强迫症的思维后，在痛苦与自责的循环中，我将它归咎于母亲。在数不清的电话中，每次母亲苦口婆心地告诉我不要太亏待自己，我都生气地指责母亲，还不是你的教育导致的。母亲的歉意根本无法治疗强迫性思维，但是失去了痛苦的发泄对象的我却只能将情绪指向自身。

After listening to the episode "Farewell to Knowledge Payment" on Flip Radio, I realized I had an unhealthy way of thinking, like standing on a moral high ground and shifting responsibility to someone else, and trying to escape the blame. But avoiding the problem never fixes the hurt.

听到翻转电台的《告别知识付费》一期后，我意识到自身非常不健康的受害者心态。通过站到道德制高点，将责任推卸给母亲，试图从自我谴责中逃脱。然而，回避问题永远不能弥补创伤。

I stepped away from my own views and thought about things from my mom's point of view. My mom's life was hard. She grew up in a poor village in China and had to deal with hunger and an unstable atmosphere. She was used to being thrifty in all parts of life. She realized how much her teaching had helped me and she said sorry. Why should I still be mad at her for not doing enough?

于是，我从自身狭窄的视野中退去，试图从母亲的角度看问题。对童年在中国穷苦乡村中长大，经历饥荒和变动不安的社会环境的母亲来说，几十年来省吃俭用的性格已是刻在生活的方方面面，光凭意志无法撼动。她已经能意识到她的教育对我的成长带来的影响之深，并且表达了歉意，我怎么还能责备她做的不够好呢？

Moreover, as a yoga teacher, I deeply understand the philosophy of Ahimsa-peacefulness-in yoga. There is no peace without unconditional love, compassion and forgiveness. Forgiving others also means receiving ourselves.

此外，作为一名瑜伽老师，我深刻理解了瑜伽中的Ahimsa-平和。没有无条件的爱，同情和宽恕就无法获得内心的宁静。原谅他人也意味着接纳自己。

On a warm afternoon in October 2022, I talked to my mother for three hours and deeply expressed my apology to her. For the first time, we calmly discussed our poor mindset. My mother accepted my apology with relief and said that she didn't realize the trauma left by poor mindset until she was 55 years old. Even if she realized it, she couldn't control it most of the time. But now, the mother and daughter who have forgiven each other will never be too late to help each other with the scars.

22年10月的一个温暖的下午，我与母亲通了3个小时的电话，向她深深的表达了自己的歉意。第一次平和地讨论互相的穷人思维，母亲欣慰地接受了我的道歉，并说，她直到55岁都没能觉察到穷人思维在她身上深深烙下的伤痕，而且哪怕意识到，大多时候也不可自控的陷进去；但是，如今，互相原谅的我们母女两，一起克服和成长从不会为时已晚。

Escape the concept of money | 脱离金钱观念

Money is just a made-up idea, but capitalism has made us used to judging things by their price instead of their worth. Especially in cities, where people are the focus, time can be traded for wages, relationships can be turned into interest, as if everything is a number.

金钱只是一种想象出来的概念，然而曾经，资本主义让我们习惯于用价格来衡量事物，而不是其背后的价值。特别是在以个体为单位的城市生活中，时间被换算为工资，关系被计算成利益关系，仿佛我们的一切都被方格纸割裂、统计，一切都是可以量化的数据。

However, when leaving the city and experiencing the customs of community that helping each other without consideration of benefits, I can't help but reflect on myself, being blinded by capitalism, forgetting to feel the true world. In the power of love, people can give without expecting returns; however, the warmth and support it receives is far more important than the returns of material. Although, in many feudal and patriarchal society, those relationships are more often an obstacle to diversity and individual freedom. But, more and more communities are emerging in the world that find balance between public and private, supporting individual’s happiness and freedom. I also hope that I can put down the burden of 21 years of city life, connect, and meet more vivid individuals.

然而，当离开城市，体验到社区里有不论价值的礼尚往来的风情，不计较得失的互相帮助后，我不禁开始反思自身，被单位和计算所蒙蔽，忘却了数字背后的人情的力量。在爱的力量中，人们可以不计回报地付出；然而它所收获的温情与支持，却远比金钱和物质的回报重要。虽然，许多封建和家长制的关系社会中，人情更多时候是阻碍多样性和个体自由的绊脚石。但是，世界上涌现出越来越多在公私中找到平衡，扶持个体自由幸福地发展的先进社群。我也希望，自己能卸下21年在大城市中成长的包袱，去链接，认识更多鲜活的个体。

This is the analysis and self-reflection on my poor mindset. Realizing its inferiority does not mean that I have already solved it, sometimes I still fall into its trap. However, just like mindfulness practice, instead of trying to overcome it, when falling into the trap of our mind, quietly observe its existence without judgment, and the emotions will naturally resolve themselves.

以上就是我对自身穷人思维的剖析和自白。意识到它的劣根并不意味着我已经脱离和解决了它，有时候我仍然会陷入它的陷阱。但是，正如正念练习，与其努力克服，在陷入思维陷阱时，静静地觉察到它的存在，不带评判地观察它，情绪的结自然会解开。

Thank you for reading. Wish you be free and happy!

感谢你阅读到这里，祝你自由与幸福！

Sunshine

2022.10.23.

(Cover Photography by Sunshine)

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